i keep telling myself i shouldn't do this. i should stop thinking and start living the old life again. i should accept the fact that the last months were a dream and nothing about it was real. i should keep going. i should let go. but then i remember. i was not dreaming. it was not an hallucination. these things happened and were so amazingly beautiful that nothing will ever replace the memories. i should stop thinking. i should not remember his face. his voice, his arms around me. i should keep going. not stay here and think about the color of his eyes, the curve of his smile. but once again it's not possible. cause every time i try not to think of him, it's like avoiding the moment i want to run away. and running away means dreaming in my life. and dreaming leads me to him again. cause i remember the way he made me feel. i remember feeling like there was always the possibility to make every dream come true. because he made me see the world from a different point of view. it's like he untied me from the floor, cut all the ropes around my wrists, let me go and fly away. and at the same time, he was flying beside me, helping me believe those things could be real. it's like he relaxed me in the best way, and made me dream more at the same time. i remember him telling me this world needed more people like us. people that were not afraid of the things that popped out of their minds. people that followed their desires. people that kept moving all the time. but as the world needs me, i need him too. he was my poison. he made me feel so good. so comfortable with no words. so happy with no jokes. so grateful with long conversations. he made me feel like i was trying to save him, when actually it was him that was saving me the whole time. he made me the one i am today. he shaped me into this. he helped me in so many ways, so many levels, that it's impossible to describe. i miss the feeling of his warmth. i miss his arms holding me close. i miss his hands gently rubbing my face. i miss his lips over mine, kissing me like there was no tomorrow, with soft touches and long breathes. but most of all, i miss his friendship. i miss his words and wisdom. i miss his simplicity. i miss his thoughts. he seems like a memory so far away now. so impossible to reach again. but every time i close my eyes and think of the beautiful things that happened in the past three months, i can't help but smile over them all over again. and in the middle of all these memories, he's standing there. looking at me, letting me go, calling my name, with the promise that i'd find him again the way i had found him then. the promise that it was not a goodbye for good, but a sad i'll see you again. promises, words. how can i keep telling myself i shouldn't do this, when he makes it seem so real, so possible. so easy to make.